


the day before

by a_venoir



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 10:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18051056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_venoir/pseuds/a_venoir
Summary: It's ironic (or maybe it's fitting) that as a film major Jongdae lives the most important moment of his life through a video camera.





	the day before

It's ironic (or maybe it's fitting) that as a film major Jongdae lives the most important moment of his life through a video camera.

-

The past few days had sped by in a blur of stiff suits and wilting bouquets. First the paramedics, then the police, went through the apartment, collecting evidence and displacing gathered memories. Some neighbours came by as well, craning their heads to see what happened in 5A.

 _Such a sweet boy,_ everyone who came to the funeral had said. _Such a surprise_ , they said. _How young to take his own life._

But it hadn't been a surprise to Jongdae, who has been watching the slow descent of Byun Baekhyun for the last three months. When Jongdae returned home to an apartment full of policeman and an officer tried to explain the call they received and the body... even though Jongdae's mouth had felt like chalk, he hadn't been surprised.

 _So it finally happened,_ he thought as the police officer led him away from his apartment.

-

The first time they met was at the university choir club. Jongdae felt a bit uncomfortable venturing outside of his comfort zone; although he had done choir in high school, the university choir club was comprised mostly of music majors and no one he knew. He slipped to the side, shifting through his folder of sheet music, and Baekhyun slipped next to him.

Baekhyun grinned brightly as he introduced himself ( _Byun Baekhyun. Piano Major._ ) and Jongdae had smiled equally as wide when he responded.

They sat next to each other for the rest of the semester, and on days they didn't have choir they began meeting around the university. First at cafes and libraries, and then at restaurants and clubs.

Until the time they didn't need to meet up because they already spent every possible moment together.

-

The apartment doesn't feel the same after all the officials have left. All the sterile instruments and chemicals leave an institutional scent in the air that clouds over the smell of Baekhyun's detergent on the sheets and his tea in the kitchen.

Jongdae still wants to stay there, just to soak up any lingering presence that Baekhyun may have left behind. But shortly before dinner Minseok is at his door, insisting that Jongdae stay over at his house for a few days. He argues that he's fine, that he doesn't need a babysitter hovering over him, and Minseok doesn't argue with him, but merely points out the empty refrigerator and the shaving cream smeared on his cheek.

-

After the accident Baekhyun began to pull away from social gatherings, becoming more reticent as he lost focus among the bubbles in his glass of soda. He missed words and then whole conversations to quiet reflection and glazed eyes. Instead of looking at his surroundings, his gaze was teetering inward. But Jongdae was desperate to keep Baekhyun involved; often reaching over to grab his hand, whispering _Tao asked you a question_ or _Are you okay?_ until Baek's fingers slowly curled around Jongdae's and his eyes began to focus again.

Then came the days that Kyungsoo called Jongdae endlessly. The phone calls were always the same. They always began with Kyungsoo's worn voice cracking through the receiver, begging for him to come and collect Baekhyun, and always ended with Jongdae forcing his heart from his throat.

And every time Jongdae would show up fifteen minutes later, breathless from running up several flights of stairs, and find Baekhyun in one of the practice rooms. Baekhyun would drag his hands over the keys of the piano, lightly enough that the keys didn't make any sound, and Jongdae would watch as Baekhyun stared at the keys thumping back into position after his finger had passed. He always wondered what Baekhyun was thinking as he watched the keys; if Baekhyun was envious of the way the keys could return so effortlessly to how they were before.

-

A few days pass before Jongdae convinces Minseok that he'll be all right on his own, and he's barely home a day when his doorbell rings and he finds a police officer at his front door. _We took this for evidence,_ says the young man, _but we thought you should have it back._

Jongdae turns the video tape over in his hands, thumbing the scratches in the black plastic casing and the peeling label that says _for Jongdae._

-

There was nothing wrong with Baekhyun.

Or at least that's what the doctor said before he quietly amended that it wasn't that there was nothing wrong but that they couldn't find anything. Since the day his car spun out of control on an icy road and twisted metal bit through his arms, Baekhyun has visited dozens of doctors who all ask the same questions and all give the same answer. Countless check-ups have told him that the wounds have healed.

But it didn't matter what the tests said; Baekhyun could feel everything that was wrong coursing through his body.

Pain wasn't supposed to spike through him when the piano keys pushed against his fingers. He never had a dull ache chasing him throughout the day before, and the pinpricks of pain that splintered through his muscles weren't supposed to be there.

But nothing was wrong with Baekhyun.

Instead the doctor rewrote a prescription for super strength Tylenol, and Jongdae saw the paper so many times he had the instructions memorized.

_1 tablet every 4 hours, do not exceed 6 tablets in 24 hours._

-

Jongdae could have taken 14 tablets of Tylenol in the time it takes for him to finally slip the video into his camcorder and press play.

-

A few weeks ago Baekhyun stopped going to gatherings altogether.

Jongdae returned home to find Baekhyun hanging over the tub, icy water streaming down his outstetched arms.

 _To numb the pain,_ Baekhyun said when Jongdae asked. _But it just hurt more._

 _Why, then?_ The words hung between them. Jongdae couldn't make sense of Baekhyun anymore, and his confusion pushed Baekhyun further from him.

 _At least it was a different kind of pain._ Baekhyun couldn't meet Jongdae's eyes.

And Jongdae patted Baekhyun's arms carefully with a towel, wiping him dry as lightly as he could.

-

The camera groans to life.

In the film Baekhyun flips pages of his book, and Jongdae recognizes the book from Baekhyun's night stand. From when it peeked out from underneath Baekhyun's pillow. From when Baekhyun hands coiled around the cover.

Baekhyun's not speaking. He's not even looking at the camera. But Jongdae's chest fills with the image of Baekhyun in motion.

-

A week before Baekhyun's death, Jongdae woke up to Baekhyun crying in pain. He watched as Baekhyun winced in pain every time he tried to clench his hands, until he couldn't stand to watch anymore and wrapped Baekhyun in his arms begging him to stop.

Waiting in the doctor's office, Baekhyun tried to muffle his whimpers of pain into Jongdae's shoulder and he doesn't know what to say except that it will get better. It has to get better.

But there was nothing wrong with Byun Baekhyun.

-

His breath stutters when he watches Baekhyun slowly pour the clear liquid into his mug. _It's just water,_ Jongdae hopes desperately, even though he knows it's not.

His teacher always said that close-ups were to show the emotions of the filmmaker. _Here,_ Jongdae thinks as tears slide down his cheeks, _would be the perfect spot for a close-up._

He imagines the camera zooming in to catch the droplets of tea that escape Baekhyun's mouth, and the way his adam's apple juts from the elegant slope of his neck.

Then it would slowly pan out, catching the arms that fall softly from the table, the fingers that unwind against the side of the chair, and the light scrape of nails against wood that almost blocks out his whisper of _I'm sorry._

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Written based on the music video [The Day Before](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6AzbOupbxk) by Nell


End file.
